If you want to feel HEARD by your man, avoid this...

MISTAKE 1

Improve your couple’s communication skills, reduce conflict,

and, repair and create a long lansting healthy relationship with your partner .

Introduction

One of women's most common relationship concerns is the feeling of not being heard. Beyond the desire to be heard, women seek understanding and feeling respected by their partners. However, there’s something that as a woman, we did not learn growing up and it is that we will have the power to feel understood by our men when we learn to speak in a manner where what we say is what he hears. Did you know that when we say something, men hear something else? For you to be understood by your man, it's crucial that you communicate in a way that ensures your message is received accurately by him. In this guide, we'll explore shifts that need to happen in your communication approach, similar to those you make when traveling to a foreign country. If you are like most travelers, as you prepare for travel outside of your country, you try to learn about the differences in the language, customs, and culture of the locals you are going to visit. Equipped with this knowledge, you hold on to who you are as you travel, but you may avoid certain words or gestures when you discover that locals could interpret them as offensive in their country.

Similarly, by understanding the nuances of your partner's conversational style, and what he hears when you communicate you can avoid common mistakes and enhance your communication skills. Taking proactive steps to improve communication is key, as waiting for the other person to change may lead to relationship challenges.

Examine your conversations and identify any mistakes that contribute to feeling unheard. Just because you have been talking since you were little doesn’t automatically guarantee that you are skilled in doing it effectively, especially with the man in your life. The good news is that because communication is a skill, it’s never too late to learn how to do it with greater success. With insights into the differences between his and your conversational styles, you can make simple adjustments that significantly impact your ability to communicate effectively. This new approach will not only reduce his defenses but will also open up opportunities for you to be truly heard in your relationship.

Mistake 1 - A Mistake That Leads to Disillusionment & Disappointment

It is a mistake to liken closeness to sameness. You may not even know how many expectations you have for the man you love to feel, think, behave, or see the world the same way you do. Likewise, it is a mistake to presume that his experience is the same as yours and that words and behaviors mean the same to him as they do to you.

Reframing Male-female Conversation as Cross-cultural Communication

Deborah Tannen, a Georgetown University linguistics professor, has done substantial research on the differences in conversation style related to gender. Tannen’s information benefits couples because it looks at the male-female conversation as a cross-cultural communication rather than deeming either party as not enough of this or too much of that. We would never go into another culture and argue that native speakers are wrong because they do not converse as we do.

By looking at male-female conversation from a cross-cultural point of view, we avoid judging who is right or wrong. Instead, the focus becomes learning and recognizing the differences between how men and women communicate to seek mutual respect and understanding. According to Tannen: Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication. Culture is simply a network of habits and patterns gleaned from past experience, and women and men have different past experiences. From the time they’re born, they’re treated differently, talked to differently, and talk differently as a result. Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, even if they grow up in the same house. And as adults, they travel in different worlds, reinforcing patterns established in childhood. These cultural differences include different expectations about the role of talk in relationships and how it fulfills that role.2(p.215)

What if you adopted the premise that your partner grew up in a foreign country?

Anyone who enjoys traveling to foreign countries understands that part of the allure of traveling is meeting new people and experiencing a culture unlike your own. You would never expect the locals there to be exactly like you. In preparation for your trip, there are several things you may do. For example, you may read a book on your chosen country or destination and browse through travel blogs on the internet. You might take the time to learn some basic ways to communicate if they speak a different language. Additionally, you might reach out to someone you know who has traveled there.

What if you were to adopt the premise that your guy grew up in a foreign country and that this book can be used as a guide to avoid mistakes typically made when conversing with someone raised in this unfamiliar territory? Consider me a fellow traveler who has spent much time with locals from this foreign territory. Recall a time when you were excited to learn about another culture and embrace that enthusiasm now as you open yourself up to learn and explore some differences in the way men and women communicate.

A Truth You Must Embrace

Women express these complaints often:

He doesn’t listen

He won’t talk

He never shares his feelings

And men make these complaints frequently:

She’s too emotional

She talks too much

She’s too sensitive

What is interesting if you look at these two lists carefully is that each one is hoping for the same thing: Why can’t they be more like me?

As a result, men and women can become immovable by the judgment of each side, believing their way is better. There will always be disillusionment and disappointment if you hope he will respond to you more like the women in your life. Channel this hope into something you can attain. You can only begin to move away from this unrealistic hope by embracing the truth: he is not you. By the sheer fact that he is a man, and you are not, he will experience what you say differently and respond to you differently.

In order to communicate more effectively, it is essential that you grasp how dissimilarly you two see and experience things. To speak in a manner that he can hear you will require that you understand where he is coming from. You may not understand his logic or point of view, but it’s vital that you still view it as valid and on the same level as yours.3

Men and Women Talk and Listen for Different Reasons

Most women see communication as a way to develop a bond with the listener to bring them closer together. They feel the essential ingredient of communication is building relationships. So they often engage in conversation simply to connect rather than to dispense any pertinent information. On the other hand, men primarily adhere to the belief that the single purpose of communication is to convey information to another person. Therefore, a man will typically not speak unless he has something useful to say. That’s because he believes that if someone engages in a conversation, they should offer new, instructive, helpful, and logical information.4

The majority of couples who seek relationship therapy identify communication as their primary area of conflict. From the first word that leaves your mouth, you two are already at odds because each of you sees the purpose of communication so differently. When you are sharing your feelings in hopes of connecting, he may find it quite difficult to comprehend such an encounter and become downright perplexed and frustrated as a result. The goal is to be more empathic towards your partner as you begin to understand how differently each of you experiences a verbal exchange.

Even the Way You Each Stand While Talking Differs

Have you ever felt irritated when talking to your guy, and he won’t face you and look you in the eye? Does it make you feel like he’s not listening?

When you were a little girl, it was typical to interact with other girls by facing each other, and eye contact is something you probably became comfortable with at an early age. Therefore, it makes sense that you would interpret his body language as his lack of interest in what you are saying and have a hard time believing he is listening when he won’t look at you.

Unfortunately, you would be wrong in most cases because men customarily talk to each other side by side rather than face to face. When men converse, they tend to look off into the distance rather than make direct eye contact. Within their male culture, this is perfectly acceptable, and that is why he may not understand when you are offended by it. By comprehending that the way he stands and where he looks is his conversational style, you can stop seeing it as an indication of whether he is listening or not. Removing your judgment allows him to talk in a manner that he is comfortable with. Over time, he may become more relaxed and secure in your presence and attempt more face time.

In the following case, that is precisely the outcome that transpired. A client shared her frustration about her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for only a few months. She said that every time she started to talk about something important, he would close his eyes and put his hands over his face. It made her so angry that she usually stormed off and did not attempt to share with him. I questioned whether she had ever asked him why he did that. She said she hadn’t asked because she assumed he was signaling that he didn’t want to talk. So I encouraged her to ask him directly why he did that and let me know what he said.

When my client returned for her next session, she was eager to reveal what she had found out. She discovered her boyfriend was closing his eyes and covering his face to block out all distractions so he could give her his full attention. She told him how she had misinterpreted his actions, and it opened up a meaningful conversation. Once she understood his behavior was him attempting to listen intently, she started sharing freely instead of shutting down. Over time, he willingly started giving her more eye contact because even though it was somewhat uncomfortable for him, he knew it meant a lot to her.

This case illustrates why it is crucial to understand how he differs from you. Without my client seeking to understand what her boyfriend’s actions meant, that relationship would not have lasted. Instead, she would have continued to be hurt by what she perceived as his unwillingness to listen to her, and it would have been only a matter of time before she walked away.

Some Men Demonstrate They Are Listening Differently Than Women

The following information is not universal to all men. I only include it because it may apply to your situation, and if it does, I would be remiss in not covering it. When you are sharing with your guy, does he remain quiet?

Does his lack of verbal input make you feel like he is not listening? When you accuse him of not listening, does he swear he is? If so, what could be occurring is that his way of listening is different than yours. It’s understandable why you may regard his silence as evidence of him not listening. You probably came to that conclusion because you are used to your female friends giving you little listening signals like “mmhmm,” “uh-huh,” and “yeah” while you are talking. He may think he is respectfully listening to you by staying silent because he has acquired a male conversational style that “expects a listener to be quietly attentive.”5(p142) If he embraces that belief, his silence does not indicate that he is not listening, and you may be misinterpreting his behavior. Truthfully, only he knows whether he is listening or not. But if he swears he is, then it is worth your effort to check with him and understand whether his listening style differs from yours so you can better understand why he remains quiet. It would be a shame to go on feeling he was not listening when he was just listening quietly.

Why He Offers You a Solution When You Just Want His Support

If you are like most women, you like to talk through your problems because as you verbally break down the issues, you can make sense of the situation and find solutions. If you were talking to another woman, she would listen intently, giving you plenty of space to express your feelings and offer support and empathy as needed. Conversely, when your guy listens to you, he usually focuses on gathering information to solve your problem.

When he hears you express your problematic situation, he most likely thinks it is an invitation to provide you with a solution. That’s because most men only verbalize their concerns if they cannot figure out a solution independently. Only then do they seek additional expertise to solve the problem?

Honestly, it may be a foreign concept to him that you are not seeking a solution and instead only desire emotional support. Undoubtedly, from time to time, you have been on the receiving end of him offering you a solution when all you wanted was for him to listen to you and provide support. That’s because he probably does not understand that as you express yourself, you can explore the situation from multiple viewpoints and frequently discover the solution on your own. Furthermore, since he does his problem-solving in silence, your behavior may be strange to him and hard to understand.

The social construct he follows says: solve your problems by yourself and only speak up to pursue expert advice. He operates entirely within the conversational rules taught to him by other males when he offers you a solution. He is sincerely providing you with what he believes you want. He legitimately is not trying to minimize your concerns, even though his behavior may inadvertently come across as him lacking empathy. It is usually at the point in the conversation when you expect to receive support and instead receive a solution that miscommunication commences and conflict quickly erupts. If you have the wrong idea of where he is coming from, you will judge him harshly for this behavior and may assign unkind labels when he offers an unwelcomed solution. He is not trying to be insensitive or uncaring – he is simply responding like a man. This difference promises to derail your conversations and inflict hurt on one another if you don’t realize that he is coming from a place of caring when he offers you a solution you didn’t ask for.

Men and Women Process Stress Differently

The differences in how and when you choose to talk will show up when either one of you is stressed. Not understanding this contrast will result in needless conflict and unnecessary pain in your relationship. That’s why it is essential to grasp just how differently you each behave when stressed, or it will lead to judgment and hurt feelings.

See what a wide gap exists between how men and women process their stress:

When a woman is bothered by something that has occurred during the day, she gains the most relief from talking it through in great detail. She can go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling better through the activity of verbally processing the problem.

Since most women benefit from this method, they are comfortable openly sharing their vulnerable feelings and do not consider it a burden to listen to a friend. In addition, they are not worried about being judged by other women for their weaknesses. A woman feels good when she can openly express feelings and problems to a trusted person.

In contrast, when a man is troubled by something that went wrong during the day, he often does not want to talk about it. Instead, he prefers to withdraw and be alone while he focuses on solving his problem. If he cannot readily solve his dilemma, he may choose to do something mindless, like watching TV or scrolling through the news feed on his phone. These activities allow him to detach from his troubles and experience some relief until he can seek a resolution. A man feels good when he finds the solution to his problem on his own.

Let me show you how this difference could be impeding your ability to be heard. The man in your life may not be able to make sense of your need to talk through your problems. Instead, he might covertly (or overtly) judge you for talking too much and start to disconnect from listening to you. Since your behavior is foreign to him, he could easily deem your chatter unnecessary and feel very justified in tuning you out. From his frame of reference, this is a rational conclusion. I am not condoning his behavior because I realize how hurtful it is to you. At the same time, I hope you can see that his actions are based solely on his misunderstanding of your differences and are not indicative of how much he cares for you.

Say you are sharing about another bad day you’ve had at work. While you are sharing details about your ongoing struggles, he quickly responds, “If you’re so miserable there, why don’t you just quit?” Now your feelings are hurt because it feels like he shuts you down and doesn’t care about you or your problems. Take another look at this objectively from his point of view. He thought he was showing his concern by voicing a way you could put an end to your misery. Yes, it’s probably also true that he was trying to shut you up. He may feel this way as a result of him not comprehending that as you’re verbalizing your frustrations of the day, you are also working through them. Within his cultural norm, he’s been conditioned to work through his problems in silence and only vocalize them when he’s soliciting a solution. So, he can’t fathom why you would continue to talk about a problem when you aren’t willing to do something about it. To him, it sounds like endless complaints without any action. You can’t expect him to fully comprehend who you are and what you want for biological and cultural reasons.6 He will need your help to gain an understanding of why you just want him to listen to you without interrupting with solutions.

So your best chance at harmony in your relationship is for you to grasp this difference and learn to take it in stride. When you do that without reacting, then you can gently guide him toward what you want or need. Use the example above where you are sharing and need his support, and instead, he provides you with a solution.

If you were to warmly respond, “I can feel how much you care about me when you offer me a solution. However, that’s not what I am looking for at this time. What would really make me happy right now is just to have your support. I feel most supported by you when you assure me everything is going to be okay and just let me share my feelings without interruption.” By responding in this manner, you have accepted that his conversational style of providing solutions is just what he knows how to do best, and you recognize that he does it from a place of caring. By not reacting negatively to the unwanted solution and positively acknowledging him, he will hear you when you share what he can do to make you happy.

Silence Is as Fundamental to Him as Talking Is to You

If you are like most women, you prefer words over silence. Consequently, it may be challenging for you to understand why he becomes silent. Look at these examples and how they contrast7: While he may choose to be silent when he has a problem and wants to have time to think it through on his own to formulate a solution.

IN CONTRAST:

She chooses to talk and think out loud. While talking, she can explore the problem from all sides and discover what her next step will or will not be. He may choose to be silent when he gets stressed and is feeling upset or angry so he can calm down and regain control before speaking.

IN CONTRAST:

She chooses to talk when she is upset because it helps her get over it. Talking allows her to calm down and be more at peace. While he may choose to be silent and disconnect when he fears too much intimacy has caused him to lose himself.

IN CONTRAST:

She talks to cultivate intimacy. When she is vulnerable and shares her inner self, she is most connected to her loving self. Is it any wonder why you may misinterpret his silence?

Reframing his silence as a cultural difference will feel less personal and allow you to tolerate it. I hope that once you understand that his silence is just as much a part of him as talking is a part of you, you will not take it personally when he chooses silence and be more at peace with it. Once you realize how vital silence is to his well-being, hopefully, you can become more supportive while he disconnects and is quiet. You will also benefit because he will reconnect with you sooner if he feels supported while taking time out from talking. I have provided a handful of ways you can support him when he becomes silent and pulls away: Show approval of his need for silence by being okay with it Show him you are okay with his silence by not looking like a lost puppy when he pulls away Show you believe in him by not worrying about him or feeling sorry for him (or yourself) Show you trust he will find his own solution by not offering him any solutions Show you are confident he will reconnect when he is ready by not trying to facilitate conversation before he initiates it He will find it much easier to engage again when he doesn’t think he will be in trouble for his need for silence. At the same time, your need to talk is equally as important. So please reach out to a girlfriend, sister, or mom to satisfy your longing for connection.

Words May Not Have the Same Meaning to Each of You

Miscommunication may be responsible for igniting a lot of friction when you think you are on the same page and later discover that you both had completely different ideas of what you communicated. For example, say you are having lots of family and friends over for the holidays. You turn to your husband and say, “We’ve got lots of people coming over today, and I’m really going to need your help.” He replies, “I’m willing to help with anything you need.” You leave the conversation feeling good and that you’re in agreement. Then as the day progresses, you start to get madder and madder because he isn’t being helpful at all. You expected that he would take the initiative to seek you out and ask how he could assist you. Unfortunately, his expectation was quite the opposite. He thought you would reach out to him when you needed help. So even though it seemed you were on the same page about you needing help and him agreeing to help you, the miscommunication occurred because you two had different assumptions of what help meant. He was more than willing to help. He just didn’t understand what that looked like to you. It is a mistake to assume that the words you use hold the same meaning to him. That’s why it is essential to elaborate on how he can specifically help you so he knows what you expect of him and you can trust your needs will be met.

Here is another scenario where the different meanings of words lead to miscommunication and the result was a ruined party. It was the first holiday that Ashley and Alex were dating. Ashley planned to accompany Alex to a Christmas party with lots of his extended family that she had never met. Ashley was somewhat shy and feeling rather anxious about being in this significant social situation. On their way over to the party, Ashley expressed how she was feeling and asked him not to leave her alone. Alex readily agreed, and Ashley felt comforted by his support. Later that evening, while talkative Aunt Mable was rattling on about her physical problems, Alex walked away from the conversation. Ashley thought he would be back momentarily, but he didn’t return. By the time she was able to break free from Aunt Mable’s endless conversation, Ashley was furious with her boyfriend. She ended up giving him the silent treatment for the remainder of the party, and then a huge fight broke out on the drive home. Ashley’s anger erupted when Alex claimed he didn’t know what he did wrong. “You promised not to leave me alone!” she cried. “I didn’t,” he retorted. “You left me with Aunt Mable!” Alex replied, “I know - I made sure you were never alone.” Their different meaning of “don’t leave me alone” was responsible for a miserable evening. When Ashley asked Alex not to leave her alone, her expectation was for him to remain by her side the entire evening.

Unfortunately, Alex took the meaning of “don’t leave me alone” literally and made sure Ashley was never standing by herself. Alex felt he had lived up to her expectations without understanding that she meant something completely different. To avoid entering into a situation like Ashley and Alex, please don’t assume the words you use have identical meanings to your guy. Instead, take the time to explain what you mean and ask him what he means. Adding this simple step can prevent countless misunderstandings and heartache.

Hit Pause and Seek Clarification

When your husband or boyfriend says something that upsets you or he reacts poorly to something you said for no good reason, hit pause before you launch into an argument. Remember that you two may be bumping up against cultural communication differences, and what was said may not mean the same thing to both of you. It will save you from engaging in an unnecessary fight if you take a moment to check in with him. If you became upset with something he said, ask: You just said (repeat what he said). I took that to mean (explain how you interpreted it). Is that what you meant? If he reacted poorly to something you said and it seems like his reaction is unexpected or extreme, ask: I just said (repeat what you said). Please explain what that meant to you because I think it may not have been what I was trying to say, and I would like to clarify so there are no misunderstandings. Every time the conversation starts to go wrong, and you take the time to pause and seek clarification, you give him the benefit of the doubt by recognizing that communication style differences may be in play. Doing so will save both of you a lot of heartache. As a result, not only will your relationship start to flourish, but you will also tremendously improve your chances of being heard.

Acceptance Creates Connection – Tolerance Creates Separation

His differences are just that – they are different. They are not bad or wrong. Deciding they are incorrect or seeing them as inferior is a judgment. It is not the differences that separate you, but rather your judgments of those differences. Judgment creates a barrier between you two and restricts your ability to connect with him. To restore connection and lovingly move towards him requires your acceptance. Acceptance involves you respecting and embracing his differences and not just tolerating them. It is crucial that you understand how accepting and tolerating are not the same thing, specifically when it pertains to the health of your relationship. From the outside, both tolerating and accepting behavior can appear to be the same.8 However, it is the feelings you hold onto inside that distinguish one from the other. Remaining in a state of tolerance will harm your relationship because your disapproval will continually manifest as one or more of the feelings listed below:

If you judge his differences, you have not entirely accepted them and are still tolerating them. When your state of mind is one of tolerance rather than acceptance, you:

Focus on his annoying characteristics

Frequently have negative thoughts about him

Get into arguments about things about him that are unlikely to change

Feel never-ending tension in the relationship

React to him in an emotionally-charged manner

Feel exhausted after spending much time together

Tolerating is not a strategy for the long haul because it is a heavy burden to carry and will wear you both down over time. However, when you accept his differences, your struggle lessens because you no longer see the differences as all-consuming. Instead, you start to approach them as minor aspects of who he is and realize that he has so much more to offer. Acceptance allows you to embrace the differences as a necessary part of what makes him who he is.

Once you have moved from tolerance to acceptance, you are:

Not consumed with negativity

Free from the desire to change him

Able to love and appreciate him as he is

Able to enjoy your relationship despite the disparity

Able to react in a more neutral manner that is without judgment

If you want to build your relationship to last, you’ll need to expect, respect, and accept his differences. When you try to hold on to the illusion of sameness and reality starts to reveal itself, you will inevitably blame him for each departure from the fantasy you have created. For that reason, you need to let go of any wishful thinking that longs for you both to be fully in sync. Instead of idealizing a relationship based on the false belief that sameness equates to closeness, you can achieve a genuine connection based on the reality of what you each uniquely have to offer. Lasting, healthy relationships are ones where the differences are not denied or minimized. Instead, the lack of likeness is honored and valued.9 Through acceptance, you can move towards integrating your differences into a harmonious relationship where you are both fully seen and heard.

Mistake #1 – Top Takeaway Tips

♥ Relinquish the illusion of sameness

♥ Hit pause & seek clarification

♥ Expect, respect & accept the differences

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ALRIGHT, MY FRIEND, PLEASE DON’T HESITATE TO REACH OUT IF YOU NEED SUPPORT ON HOW TO CREATE AMAZING, CONNECTED, COMPASSIONATE AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR PARTNER, AND YOUR LOVED ONES!